The meaning of Patience... and I thought I knew what it was.

I have always thought I was generally a patient person. Whenever I'm at a restaurant and there is a 20 minute wait, I don't really mind. When I am driving, and the person in front of me doesn't turn left fast enough, it doesn't really bother me... when it came to losing my patience, it was a rare occasion. Living in India has proven the very opposite. Before coming to India, I took a prep class where we learned about the host culture, and I remember one memorable lesson about the perception of time. I remember learning that people in India were under polychronic time, meaning rigid scheduling and being efficient with time, is not a priority. Monochronic time is when there are time limits, rigid schedules, etc (much like the U.S.A and Japan). Well, I remember thinking "oh I'm totally polychronic, I'm always late and I am really bad at keeping a rigid schedule". WRONG was I. No class could have ever prepared me for "Indian" time. I can't remember the first time that I experienced "Indian" time... but I know that it has happened numerous times since, and I thought that maybe it was a ONE time thing. My patience has wore extrememly thin at times. One example to illustrate what I am talking about is when Emma and I were in a big hurry to get somewhere and we needed to email the boys because we did not have a way to call them. We thought "let's send them an email to tell them where we are and then run to where we need to be". We scrambled around to find an internet cafe and when we got there, we saw that it was completely full... and one of the girls said "it will be just 5 minutes madam". Emma and I REALLY needed to be where we were going soon, but we thought 5 minutes really wouldn't be a problem..... 15 minutes later, and a little out of patience, I asked again "is there a spot open yet?" and again, the girl said "wait 10 minutes madam"... WHAT?? I was SO livid!! But don't worry, I didn't blow up on her, it was more of an internal battle than anything. OH!! I just remembered the first time I experienced "Indian" time. It as at the mall, the famous Brookfields mall... VERY well developed and I feel like I'm in America everytime I set foot in it... anyway, we bought our churidars and when you buy a churidar, sometimes they don't come with the sleeves sewn on, and so you buy it and then it is taken to a small tailoring room where they sew on sleeves. Well, they told us that our churidars would be ready in 30 minutes. After waiting an hour, I went up to the counter and demanded to know what had happened to our churidars... the girl gave me the answer that I wanted to hear, but not accurate at all. "It will be ready in 5 minutes ma'm".... 20 minutes later, I asked again and again, I received the same answer. I had never found myself more impatient than that day. I was SO annoyed that my churidar wasn't ready, and even more so at the fact that they lied about the time!!! But they weren't lying... that's just the way it is here in India. The random estimation of time is not said to purposely anger someone, or for the mere reason of lying... it's just that time is percieved differently! Waiting is something that India is EXPERT in. Sitting and waiting, and then sitting and waiting some more, is just life here. I did not know this then, but knowing it now, I find it a lot easier to be patient. Aside from the whole time perception, there are more things that have challenged my patience, I share only a few here. When I've been waiting to buy something at the shop, people will just cut in front of me, as if I were not standing there for 5 minutes already. When I've been at the mall and there are escalators, there have been small lines because a lot of Indian women are DEATHLY afraid to step onto them. When I've been waiting for the bus that I've have heard people say will come at a certain time, and it has come an hour or more, later (again with the time). When I've been at a restaurant, and seen something(s) I've wanted on the menu, and they've been out of what I've wanted to order. When we've approached someone on the street because we are lost, and the person won't know where the place is, he or she will seldom say "sorry I don't know", instead, we've been pointed to go one direction, while someone else a block later, will point us the opposite way. Emma's personal favorite: when we are looking for a good deal on an auto rickshaw and they absolutely REFUSE to lower their outrageously high prices... I probably sound like the biggest brat and that I dislike India and its inhabitants... well, don't worry, I actually love it. I have learned to deal with, and to be patient, and now when things like that happen (and happen they DO, and often) I find that I do not become impatient, but start to lay back and take it all in. Things are not this way in America, and it's going to feel different to be in a monochronic time frame again. So, I actually try to enjoy it while I can.

On one of these occasions where I was impatient because of time, I learned a little lesson that has helped me see things in a different light. Emma and I were walking home and we were quickly joined by a group of pre-teen girls. As Emma and I walked along, we noticed that the girls kept lagging behind. We said to each other "why are they walking so slow?". They would catch up, only to, a few minutes later, fall behind again. Then, one of the little girls said "Aunty wait- walk slow please", motioning with her hand to slow down the pace. I have always remembered that. I walk so fast, not only physically, but intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. My mind is always going, I want prayers answered fast, I want my relationships to work out quickly... sometimes "walking slow", is better. It has made a difference in how I see things. I walk a little slower now, taking in the sights of the village, instead of plowing through, trying to get to my final destination. Looking at a woman carrying water on her head, or at a little boy spinning a tire down the street with a stick, or at a grandpa sitting down with his friends-taking in these sights, has soothed me and helped me in more ways than I could adequately explain on this blog. I read something in my India culture guide, that I really liked. In talking about IST or Indian stretchable time, the author said: "the slower pace may be hard to swallow, but it can be medicinal and even enjoyable for those who can adjust to their expectations". Couldn't have better said it better myself.

Dinner invitations.... I love them!

It all started when Emma and I woke up one friday morning to take out the trash. As we headed towards the dumpster, we waved to the little kids around the corner, the ones that we see everyday. Well, on this particular day, their mother, Kavita was out and we stopped to say our usual "Kalai wanakkam" or "good morning!". She loved the fact that we "spoke" Tamil and then asked us if we had eaten yet.... Emma and I had barely finished eating oatmeal (we make oatmeal approximately 2-3 times a week, sometimes it's breakfast, sometimes it's dinner, it has saved us many a time!) and so we told her that we had. She then said "you come, my house tonight. 7 o ' clock, my house, dinner!" Emma and I have been invited to dinner before, but we always feel so bad imposing and making people feed us, but this time, we just had to say yes. The big, beautiful brown eyes are just too hard to say no to. Well, Emma and I didn't quite know what to expect, but we just showed up a little past 7. As soon as we sat down, we saw that the father of the home, was helping to knead the dough of what we would be having for dinner (Dosa-- a brief explanation of what this is... it's like a crepe, but made with sour dough, and it's spread really thin, and fried. At first, I was sickened by them, but Emma insisted on giving them another chance and I fell in love with them... I now crave them every morning and I don't know what I'm going to do when I won't have them in U.S). This was a little surprising, because we rarely see the men helping out with cooking or cleaning... anyway, so Kavita (the wife) sat us down and handed us her wedding album (this is a MUST in every household... as soon as we sit down, we the women will just put this huge, wedding album on our laps, and watch us as we turn each page of virtually the same pictures... we love it though, I love looking through those). As we flipped through, Emma and I commented on how good we thought Kavita and her husband looked together. Kavita is just so beautiful! and so is he!! I wonder how that marriage arrangement went down. Kavita has a cute, small figure, a big happy smile, expressive brown eyes, long dark brown hair that is in a braid, and the best raspiest voice ever. I love it!! Her husband has the brightest brown eyes, and we just really like them together. Anyway, as we sat there, I noticed another man, a woman, an older woman, a teenage boy, a little girl and a little boy. I was so confused as to who belonged to whom, and where they all lived, and so we asked, while pointing (and NOT with one finger, as it is inappropriate in the Indian culture to point... Emma and I have messed this rule up more than once) "family?". In the best English that they could figure out, and our little Tamil, we learned that the random man and woman were married, and the woman was Kavita's older sister. The teenage boy was their son... the older woman was Kavita's mother-in-law, the little boy and girl were Kavita's children. (The daughter is Nivetha-6 yrs old and the SPITTING image of Kavita, and the son is Surya-3 yrs old). Indians often have their families living with them and it is hard to really know who is who... especially since if anyone if older, whether it is an older cousin, an older brother or sister, a mom's friend or a dad's friend, they use the same words-- brother, uncle, sister and so on. So, if there are cousins in the house, they won't say cousin, they will say "this is my sister". I like it, but it gets a little confusing at times... Anyway, after a little while of tyring to figure out who was who, Kavita and her family was tyring to ask us about our families and everything. I am a little obsessed with Kavita because she speaks like 5% English, she is SO outgoing and repeats herself in Tamil 5 times until we understand what she is saying, it's SO cute and she always laughs and so it's really fun talking to her. So, of course, they freak out when Emma says she has 4 little brothers and 2 little sisters, because big families aren't really that common in India anymore. Almost everyone we meet has two kids, it's rare to see three kids belonging to one family. They always ask about my family and when I say I have one little sister they just say "oh..." haha BUT I say it in Tamil, so they laugh and think it's cute (I like to think they think it's cute since Kavita usually pinches my cheeks when I speak Tamil...). THEN, Kavita's brother-in-law, Thangaraj- who is the one of the nicest Indian men we have ever met, and SUPER polite- busted out this instrument, called the Navaspuram, and its' a large clarinet/saxophone thing, and it sounds WAYYY Indian! Then, his son, the teenager, started playing one of the Indian drums, very native to India. As they were playing the coolest sounding Indian music, Kavita brought out DOSA!! and it was DELICIOUS. The BEST thing I have ever tasted in an Indian house. As we ate, we were just watching how this family interacted with one another, and it was SO awesome to see. Indians in general are not very physically affectionate with their spouses, and we are used to this by now. So, it was cool for me to see Kavita walk up to her husband and hold onto his arm, and be affectionate, I really liked observing that. She was whispering to him and pushing him to play the drums. He was so shy, but she insisted and he played away! He is SO talented!!! Kavita just proudly turned to us and said "my husband, very good". I really liked the dynamic of Kavita and her family! As the night ended, Kavita asked if we wanted to go to her llittle sister's wedding on July 7th-8th... and Emma and I FREAKED out becasuse weddings are a HUGE deal here, and it is an honor for us to be invited! Kavita and her family live very close to Matthew and Jeeva's house, so it is so nice to walk to the bus stop or be walking back home, and seeing Kavita and her family sitting out on their veranda. I love her-- I know that we overuse that word sometimes, but in this case, I honestly can say that it's true for Kavita and her family. The other night, Emma and I went to the city and bought some jasmin for Kavita. The women love putting jasmin in their hair, it smells really good and it looks nice, just delicately hanging from their long, silky, braided hair. Anyway, we knocked on her door and gave the jasmin to her and she freaked out-- in a good way. She was in the middle of eating dinner, and she just answered the door in her nighty and when we gave her the jasmin, she just smiled really big and said "ay yo!" which they say a lot here, it's similar to us saying "oh my gosh!". She put her arm around Emma and I and pinched our cheeks and then felt the need to grab a handful of rice and shove it in our mouths with her hands... twice. It was adorable, and yet again another reason why I LOVE being around Kavita. She is so genuine and outgoing and doesn't seem to care about what others think about her. I am planning to interview her, I hope that I can gain new insight from her about her self-perceptions. She then invited us in and we couldn't stay very long, but she asked when we were going back to America (this conversation ALL happened in Tamil, Emma and I feel conceited when we say that we can spend over an hour in someone's home, when they don't even speak English. yeah!) and then she said she wants us to move in with her and that we are considered her family and that she can find Indian husbands for us and we can all live together... haha she is so sweet. I'll go ahead and pass, on the marrying-an-Indian man-and living in India-forever offer, but I really feel honored and humbled that Kavita says that we are family to her. Just a small glimpse of the women when they are truly sincere and genuine are here in India.